Predictions from the all-knowing magic eight-ball

Dave Matthews filthy antics

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Posted: 8/26/04

The Dave Matthews Band may face a $70,000 fine after the a tour bus dumped human waste from a bridge that fell on Chicago River sightseeing boat, coating tourists in septic debris. Will Matthews admit they did it? How will the world of Dave-adoring fans react to this?

1. DMB will have a second Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor named after them. In addition to "One Sweet Whirled," "Extra Chunky Proudest Monkey" will double the sugary joy that can be marketed with the group.

Magic 8Ball says: Without a doubt

2. Remains of the disposed sewage will turn up on eBay. A Dave-obsessed teenager from Maryland will fork over $238 for, well, you know.

Magic 8Ball says: Yes

3. DMB will go bankrupt after being found guilty and paying restitution. The band will no longer play, and fans will convert all of their love to John Mayer.

Magic 8Ball says: Ask again later

4. Dave will adopt a cocky rockstar persona along the lines of Jim Morrison, and subsequently flee the country for Paris.

Magic 8ball says: It is decidedly so

5. Dave's PR people will run with the filthy lable and make sure a bootleg sex tape will accidently find its way onto the Internet.

Magic 8Ball Says: All signs point to yes

6. Fans will realize Dave's voice only sounds unique because he gets trashed every night before going on stage. Dave will join AA and never play again.

Magic 8Ball says: Without a doubt