Advice Column: When to go downtown

By: Evan Hill/ Verge Editor and Holly Henschen/ Verge Designer

Posted: 8/26/04

Dear Verge Staff,

In my past relationships I've had trouble with my significant others letting me explore their nether regions. In short, women won't let me go down on them. I am anxious to try it out but they always refuse the services. Why?

Sincerely,

Starving to Go South

He said:

Well this is tricky for me because chances are, girls are as much if not more of a mystery to me than you, and that's in general. The area you refer to in your question however, quoting "Family Guy," is "nature's Rubik's cube."

How can you solve the puzzle if you're not allowed to play with the pieces?

Here are my best guesses as to why not:

1. Facial hair. Stiff, bristly hair on your chin might bother a girl when you kiss her on the lips and that area is more sensitive by a large degree. If you can part with the goatee, maybe she'll reconsider.

2. She may not be down with that. In my opinion, oral sex is one of the most intimate activities you can engage in with another person and it could mean a lot of commitment. Are you both sure that is where you are at in the relationship?

Also, due to the fluids involved, and this applies to both genders, she may not want to deal with that kind of mess. Finally, it is entirely possible she just doesn't get down like that. Some people just don't find oral sex appealing for whatever reason - and that's not strange. Some people like ????food???? and some people don't. It's simply a preference.

I think the first step in solving your problem will to be find out what is wrong and that can only be done by talking to her. Have you tried asking her why she/they object to your southern expeditions?

Is going downtown vital to you and your partner getting your jollies off? Have you considered trying something else like manual stimulation or a toy of some kind? I guess I have to suggest: is sexual stimulation vital to the relationship even?

If you really want to push the issue, most importantly remember not to force it on her. Maybe she had a bad experience in the past or no experience and it might take her a while to warm up to the idea. Regardless of the reasons underlying her decision, communication and respect are key. A good relationship is more important than any kind of sex, be it oral or not.

She said:

If you have braces or cold sores, it's possible these unsightly pitfalls might keep your lady friends from letting you go down under. Piercings of the lip and tongue variety, while trendy and eye-catching, can also be another female concern in this sensitive matter.

Remember, if you are not so hot in the make-out department in general, most chicks won't let you get any more intimate unless you improve your technique.

An inexperienced girlfriend may not be comfortable with oral sex. Then again, she may not be wearing the lacy thong underwear she wants you to see.

You also should be aware that women are socially conditioned to dislike their vaginas. It's not something they teach you at school, but it's wordlessly implied. While phallic symbols are powerful, the corresponding female genitals are seen as a weakness (recall a synonym for felines used as an insult) to be ignored or ashamed of, but very rarely discussed in a positive light.

Women are taught that their vaginas have an unattractive fragrance. Your girl may not know the pheromones which attract you to her originate in the "nether regions." It could also be 'that time of the month" when you try to go Downtown Julie Brown.

Women are also taught their vaginas are ugly and hairy. Maybe your girl just didn't have time to shave or is insecure with the area.

And it's possible that she's just not comfortable with your face in her crotch. Not every woman loves to shop. Likewise, not every woman is a big fan of cunnilingus.

If you're comfortable enough in the relationship to discuss this with her, ask her what the deal is. You obviously are bothered by the issue, so the only way to get it out in the open is to discuss it. In the situation when she usually refuses, be polite. Just ask. And treat the coveted area with the care you would give a newborn baby if you do win the honor of going down under.